You’ve been trying to "win back" the light. You’ve doubled down on your sacrifices, hoping that if you suffer enough, God will finally "show up." But instead of peace, you feel a growing frustration. You are exhausted because you’ve turned the spiritual life into a performance review.
This frustration is the primary symptom of a "bad map." You’ve been told that sacrifice is a way to prove your worth to God. It isn't. When you treat prayer as a transaction, you stay in the driver's seat, attempting to control the Divine Physician’s hand.
The Chart Note
We need to correct our philology. The word "mortification" comes from the Latin "mors" (death) and "facere" (to make or do). You are not "punishing" yourself to earn a reward; you "make death" to your sinful attachments that block the Light of God. If your fasting or extra prayers are just leaving you frustrated, you are not practicing mortification. Instead, you are practicing ego inflation. You are trying to use the "old map" of earning favor to navigate territory that only responds to surrender.
The Prescription
True mortification is the clinical removal of "spiritual cataracts." St. John of the Cross teaches us that the dark night is our experience of an excess of light. You do not need to "work harder" to see the sun. You need the Divine Physician to help you cut away attachments, such as snacks, screens, the need for control, etc., that make the Light feel like a threat to you. Furthermore, you are not earning the Light; the Light is grace, which means a freely given gift. Likewise, you need to cooperate with the Light.
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